by Bill Chambers
Best Motion Picture of the Year
Amour (2012): To Be Determined = sure
Argo (2012): Grant Heslov, Ben Affleck, George Clooney = shrug
Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012): Dan Janvey, Josh Penn, Michael Gottwald = barf
Django Unchained (2012): Stacey Sher, Reginald Hudlin, Pilar Savone = still haven't @!$#ing seen it
Les Misérables (2012): Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner, Debra Hayward, Cameron Mackintosh = barf
Life of Pi (2012): Gil Netter, Ang Lee, David Womark = hmmm
Lincoln (2012): Steven Spielberg, Kathleen Kennedy = you knew this was coming
Silver Linings Playbook (2012): Donna Gigliotti, Bruce Cohen, Jonathan Gordon = yawn
Zero Dark Thirty (2012): Mark Boal, Kathryn Bigelow, Megan Ellison = thumbs-up emoticon
Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Bradley Cooper for Silver Linings Playbook (2012) = still not feeling him
Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln (2012) = yay
Hugh Jackman for Les Misérables (2012) = any of his turns as Wolvie are better than this
Joaquin Phoenix for The Master (2012) = big yay
Denzel Washington for Flight (2012/I) = yay
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Jessica Chastain for Zero Dark Thirty (2012) = oh Maya
Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook (2012) = but she hates silent movies!
Emmanuelle Riva for Amour (2012) = sure
Quvenzhané Wallis for Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012) = not just a winged serpent anymore
Naomi Watts for The Impossible (2012) = wattage
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Alan Arkin for Argo (2012) = argo you know the rest
Robert De Niro for Silver Linings Playbook (2012) = if it spurs him to be choosier, it's all good
Philip Seymour Hoffman for The Master (2012) = yay
Tommy Lee Jones for Lincoln (2012) = shrug
Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained (2012) = still haven't…sigh
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams for The Master (2012) = yay
Sally Field for Lincoln (2012) = lol
Anne Hathaway for Les Misérables (2012) = already won
Helen Hunt for The Sessions (2012) = Oscar loves Helen Hunt because someone has to
Jacki Weaver for Silver Linings Playbook (2012) = no
Best Achievement in Directing
Michael Haneke for Amour (2012) = wot will his cat say lol
Ang Lee for Life of Pi (2012) = a 3-D tiger anus is the backdoor to Oscar
David O. Russell for Silver Linings Playbook (2012) = because eight people screaming at each other doesn't direct itself
Steven Spielberg for Lincoln (2012) = shrug
Benh Zeitlin for Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012) = barf
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Amour (2012): Michael Haneke = how long was that script?
Django Unchained (2012): Quentin Tarantino = good thing they don't judge spelling
Flight (2012/I): John Gatins = drinker please
Moonrise Kingdom (2012): Wes Anderson, Roman Coppola = best screenplay written on cookie fortunes by woodland creatures sharing a vintage typewriter
Zero Dark Thirty (2012): Mark Boal = screenwriting is torture
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Argo (2012): Chris Terrio = this really should be under "original"
Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012): Lucy Alibar, Benh Zeitlin = I'll allow, for the immortal line "beast it!"
Life of Pi (2012): David Magee = originally the tiger had more dialogue
Lincoln (2012): Tony Kushner = got nothin' on "Our American Cousin"
Silver Linings Playbook (2012): David O. Russell = oy
Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
Brave (2012): Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman = whatevs
Frankenweenie (2012): Tim Burton = nah
ParaNorman (2012): Sam Fell, Chris Butler = yay
The Pirates! Band of Misfits (2012): Peter Lord = abstain
Wreck-It Ralph (2012): Rich Moore = abstain
Sitting out the rest, except…
Best Achievement in Makeup and Hairstyling
Hitchcock (2012): Howard Berger, Peter Montagna, Martin Samuel = ARE YOU HIGH?
