starring Diane Kruger, Penélope Cruz, Jessica Chastain, Lupita Nyong'o
screenplay by Theresa Rebeck and Simon Kinberg
directed by Simon Kinberg
by Walter Chaw There's a moment early on in Simon Kinberg's execrable The 355 where Lupita Nyong'o, playing cyber-security expert Khadijah, is walking on a pier swarming with commercial fishermen, tailing a bad guy by holding her phone up like she's looking at her phone camera while it's recording him. After the third or fourth time they've locked eyes, she declares, with total seriousness, that she's been "made." No fucking shit you were made. If Lupita Nyong'o were walking along holding up a phone and staring at me from six feet away, I like to think I'd notice. Later, the reason given for Colombian psychologist Graciela (Penélope Cruz) tagging along on a very dangerous mission is that some dead guy's phone has been locked with her fingerprint. Because I'm able to remember that Khadijah is a cyber-security expert, and given that Graciela's fingerprint-bearing finger is sitting right there, I'm wondering why someone else's fingerprint couldn't be assigned to the phone. I'm also wondering where Sebastian Stan's CIA agent Nick found a crisp white T-shirt that doesn't stain when you spill coffee on it. That's some NASA shit, probably the technology everyone should actually be fighting over. Then there's the conversation where Graciela's son, over the phone, asks for "Duvalins," and Graciela responds, "Yes, I will bring you your favourite candy," which...okay, level with me--which one of them needed to know that Duvalins is candy? The first thing is a problem with direction; the next a script issue; the next, direction again; and the last another script issue. Meaning that while there might be enough blame to go around, I'm gonna put the bulk of it on co-writer/director Kinberg.