The most absurd remake of 1998? It's a toss up between Gus Van Sant's Psycho and Mighty Joe Young, the new Disney picture based on the old RKO one. I knew I was in trouble when a polished, computer-generated version of that famous radio-tower logo appeared before the head credits.

There was no great demand for another giant ape movie--make that ape movie, period. (Witness the quick deaths of Buddy, Born To Be Wild, and Congo.) And while this latest entry in an inexplicable genre is inoffensive and watchable, it's also an assembly-line product through and through, lacking the charm and unpredictability of the jungle serials that partly inspired it.

Charlize Theron is Jill Young; as a young girl in the wilds of Africa, Jill befriended a baby gorilla after both of their mothers were slain by poachers. That baby gorilla (nicknamed Joe) grows to immense proportions, and adult Jill basically bides her time tending to his Platonic needs and guarding him against hunters. Enter conservationist Greg (Bill Paxton), who convinces Jill to move with Joe to California, where they can better protect him in a controlled environment. Joe is restless at first; no sooner does he finally settle in to the new place than do those nasty poachers from the past resurface in L.A. and plot Joe's demise. Suffice it to say, the movie could have been called "Joe: Ape In The City."

Theron (so good in The Devil's Advocate) and Paxton (so good in the recent A Simple Plan) are fine actors, but not fine enough to transcend the paint-by-numbers script courtesy the über-hack screenwriters of Superman IV and Mercury Rising. Their plot borrows more from Steven Spielberg's The Lost World than from the 1947 original, with the computer-generated T-Rex--er, Joe--wreaking havoc on the busy streets for an encore. The storytelling becomes especially lazy during this final third, with Jill shouting, "Look, Joe's headed for the movie theatre!" followed by a shot of Joe scaling Mann's Chinese Theater; a moment later, Jill shouts again something like, "Look, Joe's headed for an amusement park!" And what do you know, there's Joe at the Pallisades carnival, scaring the bejesus out of innocent thrillseekers.

The seams of last-minute edits to Mighty Joe Young show: unrelated scenes are patched together with quick dissolves. The movie sure feels uneven, regardless: the transitional sequences from the natural to the urban jungle are hasty at best, while a little of Joe smashing cars in act three goes a long, long way. Journeyman Ron Underwood (Tremors, Speechless) was perhaps not the director for the job, as even plentiful, untamed landscapes look dull in his hands. Contrary to popular belief, capturing the beauty of nature is not simply a matter of aiming the camera at a vista.

I did enjoy certain sequences, especially the demoliton of a black-tie dinner and the implausible yet touching prologue. (As a tyke, Joe reminds us of E.T.) Rick Baker's make-up effects and puppetry are outstanding, the real star of the show; yet for all its technical flawlessness, the creature remains too grumpy and homicidal to love. (His facial expressions are variations on a scowl.) To be fair, I saw Mighty Joe Young in a cinema packed with wailing children--it's a wonder I was able to decipher any of the dialogue. This is certainly not a film for very young kids: intense fighting scenes may frighten them, and any time Joe's not on camera should bore them to tears. (That said, older boys are likely to be dazzled by Theron's colourful array of tank tops.) I suspect that bland Mighty Joe Young is passable entertainment for a family outing, but they sure don't make crap like they used to.-Bill Chambers

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the critic

Published: December, 1998