starring Michael Parks, Justin Long, Haley Joel Osment, Genesis Rodriguez
written and directed by Kevin Smith
by Walter Chaw Apparently based on an obnoxious shit-shooting session from one of Kevin Smith's outrageously-popular podcasts, Tusk is Smith's The Human Centipede, sort of, in which a crazed mariner (Michael Parks), mourning a long-lost, large-land-mammal buddy, abducts outrageously-popular podcaster Wallace-sounds-like-"walrus" Bryton (Justin Long) and proceeds to surgically turn him into a walrus. Here's the thing: I always seem to like parts of Kevin Smith movies. I think he's a smart guy; I like what he likes. He's wordy and mannered but, shit, so are Whit Stillman and David Mamet. And yet, somewhere along the way, without fail, no matter how smart something of his is in the beginning (Dogma), Smith tosses in a literal shit-monster. He's puerile. He can't help it. Tusk has Michael Parks going for it--the rest of it is shit-monster. If I dislike Smith more than I dislike other people who aren't as clever as he can be, it's because every single one of his films is a missed opportunity.