The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D (2005)

ZERO STARS/****
starring Taylor Lautner, Taylor Dooley, Cayden Boyd, David Arquette
screenplay by Robert Rodriguez and Racer Rodriguez
directed by Robert Rodriguez 

by Walter Chaw So it was written by an eight-year-old and shot in the same horrific 3-D process as Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over, meaning that if you go see The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D, you're an assclown and there's really no helping you. When he's not being an idiot, director Robert Rodriguez is capable of something as subversive--as arrestingly, magnificently inappropriate--as Sin City, but so much of his time is spent indulging his kids that history may come to see him as the last word on why children shouldn't be the arbiters of culture. Around the age of five, I once sat watching an anthill for eight hours straight, fully entertained; I have no doubt that it wouldn't make for a good movie. And so the legion of folks, critics included, prone to qualifying their takes on children's films by saying that kids will enjoy it are, in fact, not saying a damn thing. Of course your children will enjoy it--given enough flashing lights and farting noises, they'll like a George Lucas movie. For five dollars and a screaming headache less, you could entertain your precious tots with a box of matches and a can of beans.

Max (Cayden Boyd) keeps a dream journal, is picked on by a band of bullies, and has parents (David Arquette and Kristin Davis) who are always bickering. To deal with the sucking emptiness of his misbegotten life, he invents pint-sized superhero duo Shark Boy (Taylor Lautner) and Lava Girl (Taylor (again) Dooley), the former raised by sharks and needing a Ritalin blowdart right to the temple, the latter made of magma and uncomfortably sexualized. ("She's hot!" one kid double-entendres.) Shark Boy wants to know where his father is, Lava Girl wants to know what her purpose is--the two of them together representing the abyss in Max's prepubescent psyche that may one day result in his purchasing a high-calibre rifle and finding a nice, centrally-located clock tower to climb. Shark Boy and Lava Girl come to Earth to take their maker back to planet Drool (puerile, but no less so than a Count Dooku or a General Grievous), where Darkness (like in Legend, say) is taking over the land. The villain? Bad writing. Oh, and Mr. Electricity (George Lopez), who at least isn't Sylvester Stallone--which is, you'll agree, a backhanded compliment at best.

The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D is the exact equivalent of listening to someone else's hyperactive kid go on for an hour-and-a-half about some sugar hallucination he's had, punctuated by bad jokes circulating around daycare and filthy with infant morals and arrested sexuality. Planet Drool is Candyland run afoul of Piers Anthony's groaner machine, sending our heroes through the Passage of Time on the frequently-derailed Train of Thought while dodging sudden brainstorms. It never gets any funnier than that (jumping on a banana sundae boat, Shark Boy says, "Let's split!"), and the 3-D--which constitutes a good 90% of this disaster--is a colossal waste of time. The only age group who'll get a kick out of it is the same age group that won't keep the glasses on their heads. Me, I took mine off fifteen minutes in to avoid a vomit-inducing migraine. The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D is dreadful, deadening stuff: the rich people up the block buying their brats expensive toys so manic and deafening that they lower your quality of life. If you go, you just encourage them to buy more. Originally published: June 10, 2005.

Comments

[Justin B-H]

Hey Aqua-magma, that's the funniest thing I've read all week. Looking forward to your impassioned excoriation of Walter for daring to dimiss the beautiful empowering messages of Mac and Me once that review gets put back on the site....

[Bob]

Hey Aqua-Magma.

I don't think you'll get an "official" reply, mainly because everything you wrote there serves as auto-critique. You'll have to look that up (because, let's face it, there's not a chance that you'll know what "Auto-critique" means) just like you'll have to go and look up the difference between "Critic" (doesn't mean what you think it does) and "Critique" (the word you should have used).

"Even my neighbors loved it!"
Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Hahahahahahahaha... etc.

[Aqua-Magma]

***I request that you thoroughly read what I have written, as I have for your critic. Thank you.***

I happen to see the beauty of this production. It gave morals(never giving up on your dreams being one), characters we can relate to (some feel they haven't found their place in the world like Lavagirl, or lost someone close to them like Sharkboy, is teased by bullies like Max, has bickering and/or divorcing parents like Max, etcetera), generous amounts of humor (like the puns), and so many other things.
Lavagirl isn't just "hot", she's a beautiful and intelligent girl who isn't afraid to stand up for what she believes in. Her inner turmoil about destroying things and feeling the need to find where she belongs touches the hearts of any sensible watcher. Lavagirl is an ideal female heroine that is on the high-level comparison of Hermione Granger(from Harry Potter), Annabeth Chase (from Percy Jackson & the Olypians), and Maximum Ride (from Maximum Ride).
You automatically assume that Max will be a suicidal menace? I'm going to take a 50/50 guess here and say that you ARE NOT a psychologist of any kind. If Max was real, and I point out he is not, that would mean the movie was also real. Sure there would be a possibility of mental and emotional trauma from what happened, but that doesn't label him mentally ill to the point of suicide.
Sharkboy and Lavagirl don't represent any mental damage inside him. They were created from his dreams and imagination, their stories little more than in comparison to how a young child would often say that the imaginary friend they created from being lonely has super strength due to alien heritage, or is part-fairy and rules over a beautiful kingdom. Sharkboy and Lavagirl were simply imaginary friends Max created, like quite a few children do, but they manifested into physical form due to the inner power Max holds in his dreams.
"Assclown"? How old are you? If you want to insult them don't sound like a two year old. I happen to be a very commonly known being known as a human, not an "Assclown" as you put it. Your opinion of the movie gives you no right to insult those who differ from said opinion.
Giving a child a can of beans and matches for entertainment is NOT suitable in my opinion! If the can is closed it ould cause destruction with blunt force to either your child or the items around said child. If it's open then they make a mess and can STILL cause the aforementioned problems. The way you worded the sentence implies you give the entire can of beans to a child. Ever stop to think that an entire can of beans might make him or her violently ill? You can say "I meant a serving of beans!" in a replu but that wasn't what you implied.
Matches!? What kind of an irresponsible and idiotic parent or guardian would give a young child matches? I'll go for the obvious dangers such as burning themselves with a flame, choking on a match if they try to eat it, breathing in unhealthy amounts of smoke, setting a house-fire, and hurting themselves with the match if it broke and stabbed into their skin.
So you watched an anthill for eight hours? Many fully grown men and women do that as well, be it for science or out of fascination. In fact many often DO film ants and what they do for one, or both, of the formerly mentions reasons. That proves that everyone has an opinion, and almost always they find those with the opposite view.
Everyone in my family, from ages 4 1/2 to 67, ALL enjoyed the movie and still do. Even my neighbors loved it! You can spout out your opinion against The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, and I envourage you to your right of speech and free will, but I want to show you that not everyone agrees with you.

***Reply, or don't reply, I honestly don't care. I would prefer it if you don't reply if you can't respect my opinion.***