Stardate: 12/13/98

Everything about this ninth entry in Star Trek's feature film franchise seems on the cheap, from its Roger Corman-grade special effects (the series' worst since Star Trek V: The Final Frontier) to its highly derivative and ugly ad campaign (the poster is nearly identical to that for Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country). But Michael Piller's not-even-half-baked screenplay should ultimately claim responsibility for the failure of Star Trek: Insurrection. I'm about to give the same unsolicited advice to Trek producer Rick Berman that I've given to the financiers of James Bond movies: it's time to breathe life into this workhorse by hiring solid genre writers and a real director. While we're at it, put that visor back on LaForge!

For three hundred years, the Ba'ku species (who look human) have lived on a ringed-planet that may as well be called the Fountain of Youth. Six hundred of them occupy the Briar Patch, an area affected by "metaphasic radiation," a positive energy that reverses the aging process in the elderly. (Or at least slows it to a crawl.) But the evil Ru'afo (F. Murray Abraham's last stop before reviving Soliari at a dinner theatre near you), leader of the Son'a (who resemble burn victims), wants to relocate the Ba'ku and movie his people onto the Briar Patch in their place, in order to replenish his dying breed. The Federation is all for this, but Picard feels such actions would be a violation of the Prime Directive: to not interfere with the development of an alien race. (Never mind that the Ba'ku didn't exactly evolve--they went wandering in the universe one day and stumbled upon this magic world.)

Every time Jonathan Frakes grants an interview, he tops whatever ludicrous statement he previously made regarding the results of his second time at the helm. He has called Star Trek: Insurrection a comedy, a thinking man's picture, a throwback to the old series, and, most grievously, he's likened it to a John Ford western. (I presume that's some John Ford he went to school with and not the director of The Searchers.) He also went on record as saying Paramount recut the film from his version. That's no excuse--someone generated this footage.

Muddy cinematography and sitcom-quality sets the least of its problems, Star Trek: Insurrection appears to have been beamed aboard from the planet Plotholia. Consider such curiosities: Picard's love interest, Anij (Donna Murphy), can slow things down by staring at them (such as a waterfall or falling rocks); her scientific explanation for this? "Don't ask." Worf gets a pimple (he's re-experiencing Klingon puberty thanks to the time-defying atmosphere), LaForge regains his eyesight (trust me, Levar Burton's real eyes are scarier than those electronic lenses he wore in First Contact), and Troi brags about her firm boobs, yet Picard remains as bald as an android's butt.

What exactly is the problem with letting this endangered race have a little fun in the sun, anyway? The filmmakers cloud the issue with some nonsense about a family feud of sorts, and they also turn Ru'afo into a completely power-mad superfreak, so that everybody will have something to do come the climax. (And if you've seen Return of the Jedi, there's no reason to finish watching Star Trek: Insurrection.) Didn't Picard himself previously disobey the Prime Directive when he prevented the Borg from assimilating millions?

Frakes lucked out with First Contact, and repeat viewings of that film reveal the seeds of what went wrong in his direction of Insurrection: he has no sense of comic timing, and he mines for acting chemistry where none exists. (Take a look at the painful "Troi gets drunk" scene in First Contact and you'll get the general idea of Insurrection's jokey and hollow tone.) Even the lesser Shatner and co. Treks, like the abovemented Final Frontier, maintained a watchability thanks to the effortless, charming comaraderie between Kirk, Spock, and Bones.

Neither First Contact nor Insurrection has any idea what to do with Crusher (Gates McFadden, whom I must say has maintained a fabulous physique), Troi, or LaForge. And all three Next Generation films spend far too much time on Data, Star Trek's answer to Urkel. Need a cheap laugh? Have Data behave sexually, or start singing, or lift up a four-hundred pound boulder as if it's the hunk of styrofoam it really is. Here's my proposed title for Star Trek 10: Data Star Data Trek: Data Data Data Data Data, in which Data will become preoccupied with learning to blow his nose while Crusher and Troi watch silently from 500 yards away and LaForge points his sinister gaze at the android in doubly robotic observation.

Stardate: 05/26/99

Yesterday, I loaded Star Trek: Insurrection into my DVD player, set phasers on stun, and shot myself. What I saw (again) was a check-your-brain-at-the-door adventure pic that requires almost no frame of reference to comprehend it. In other words, Insurrection, much like Star Trek IV, is geared towards the most casual trekkie, one who'll view it as a mere movie rather than as part of a tapestry. As the recent documentary Trekkies made clear, I could take or leave the whole 'enterprise.' (Aside: I do have a fondness for the pre-Picard era, back when there was electricity generated among the cast.) The trouble is, unlike Star Trek IV, Insurrection fails to delight as a stand-alone entertainment, too.

Still, I appreciated the movie a little bit more on home video. Reduced to 32", the special effects don't look as cheap (I was even impressed by the twelve year old boy's computer-animated pet), the theatrical sets are convincing, and one can skip through the most groan-inducing moments, like the infamous bathtub scene. I won't recommend Insurrection, but if I sat through it twice without much fuss, it can't be meritless.

Insurrection is best-viewed on DVD, where the near-flawlessness of the presentation will hoodwink you, for a few minutes at least, into thinking it's a spectacular motion picture. Matthew F. Leonetti's cinematography continues to irritate--he never met a shot he didn't underexpose. So my complaints about this disc echo my comments regarding First Contact's image quality: too dark, occasionally muddy, but a strong transfer of difficult elements. Perhaps some tweaking of brightness was in order during the telecine process, but it's too late now. The anamorphic video (in 2.35:1 widescreen) is sharp, never appears overenhanced, and the colours are infinite and breathtaking. (The glorious blues in Ru'afo's lair are exactly as I remember them looking on film.)

The soundmix is the real highlight of this disc. Only a few months ago, I invested in a Dolby Digital set-up, but I haven't reviewed any discs with a 5.1 soundtrack that really knocked my socks off. Until now. Star Trek: Insurrection takes full advantage of all six channels, with countless split surround effects and rear-to-front pans. My favourite moment, DD-wise, is the discovery of the holodeck in chapter seven: as Data, Anij, and Picard wonder aloud why this illusory Briar Patch exists, a Son'a guard fires at them from a balcony. The laser blast starts over your right shoulder, and ends in the front speakers; after the beam makes explosive contact with the ground below, the sound startles with its suddeness, resonates with its bassy kick, and astonishes with its precise directionality. There are showier bits of foley work, but a discrete system's subtle work is generally its best work. I didn't sample the Dolby Surround track, which is the default audio.

Paramount has included two trailers, both recorded loud and in 5.1 (a real treat for the ears, even if the previews themselves are mediocre), as well as a production featurette consisting of interviews with cast and crew. The latter is a five-minute puff-piece, though it's more bonus material than we usually see from the mountain and perhaps a harbinger of good things to come.-Bill Chambers