Each Mummy is full of unpersuasive special effects, pulse-less characters, connect-the-dots action, and sand, so much sand that when it's over you reach for the Visine. If these films were half as enchanting as their respective trailers, I'd get it, and I get that these previews put bodies in seats; how come the post-opening weekend/post-studio hype word-of-mouth was there to propel The Mummy and The Mummy Returns into the Century Club?

Perhaps the public's appetite for a new instalment of Indiana Jones reached that point where no-name Twinkies will do. I think the success of American Pie has to do with the resurgence of teen horror (Scream) obliging the return of its cousin, the T&A comedy. I think The Mummy Returns and American Pie 2 did big business because they are sequels. I think you have seen more American Pie rip-offs than Mummy rip-offs because they are less costly to manufacture. I am oversimplifying everything, of course, neglecting to explore the rising cost of ticket prices and its impact on moviegoers, who falsely see "getting their money's worth" and "expensive production" as correlatives.

In the end, in the deep, deep down, I don't know what makes Mummy run. It's hollow, plastic entertainment that will biodegrade in the public consciousness as soon as the Indiana Jones trilogy hits DVD. Until then, we have a wanky plot about the returning characters from the first Mummy being vessels for ancient spirits. Other setbacks for the now-married Rick (Brendan Fraser) and Evie (Rachel Weisz; somebody give this sultry English starlet a career--stat!) include an annoying son straight out of Disney Casting, a Mummette of sorts (Patricia Velasquez, reprising her role as Imhotep's love interest), death, dirigibles, and The Scorpion King, who looks like a G.I. Joe doll half-melted from the hot sun. (Wrestler The Rock lends his befuddled expression to the computer-generated creature.) At least he injects fresh blood into the remains of The Mummy.

Universal's Collector's Edition DVD of The Mummy Returns soars on a technical level only. The 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen* transfer is about as film-like as it gets, albeit with the benefit of perfect projection. Saturation is intense yet controlled, shadows are deep and textured, and the detail is fine, with one major caveat: the liquefied appearance of the synthetic monsters is intensified by the clear image. The Dolby Digital 5.1 audio almost, but not quite, alleviates this by forging some unity between the real and digital realms--Rick vs. Rock sounds convincing, in the Hollywood spectacle sense. Oh, and by the way, this is the best Dolby mix I've heard at home since Saving Private Ryan; I think I made it through The Mummy Returns because of its enticing six-track environment. The war sequences are not the expected wall of white noise, but rather an omni-directional circus of distinctive clangs and thuds, the subwoofer emitting smooth, adrenaline-pumping bass. Alan Silvestri's closing overture is startlingly clear, defying Dolby's reputation of poor musical reproduction capabilities.

The Mummy Returns, then, is not a total wash on DVD, although I can't in good faith recommend a purchase for the mix alone. If The Mummy: Ultimate Edition was a glorified advertisement for The Mummy Returns, then the raison d'être of this Collector's Mummy Returns is to promote the upcoming The Scorpion King. Before The Mummy Returns begins proper, the disc defaults to a trailer for the spring 2002 theatrical release introduced by The Rock himself. (Aside: How will The Rock, a.k.a. Dwayne Johnson, feel years down the road when he looks back on being billed under his slave name in back-to-back event pictures? (The WWF: the new minstrel show.))

Within Bonus Materials, The Rock submits to a probing 3-minute interview ("An Exclusive Conversation with The Rock"). When asked by a stuck-up, bottle blonde interviewer, "If The Scorpion King is not a prequel or a sequel to The Mummy Returns, then what is it?" The Rock says, "The Scorpion King is not a prequel or a sequel to The Mummy Returns." Um, moving on, The Scorpion King's 5.1 preview (plus a 5.1 trailer for The Mummy Returns) is repeated here, and there's even more content from and concerning the film (some of it mildly informative) accessible via the DVD-ROM feature "Unlock the Secrets of The Scorpion King". The self-adulating "Spotlight on Location" featurette (20 mins.) is less casual than the film-length, screen-specific commentary by editor Bob Duscay (trying hard) and writer-director Stephen Sommers, though of equivalent vacuity.

"Egyptology 201" is the educational follow-up to the text supplement found on The Mummy's various DVD incarnations; kids big and small are gonna love this. Not so instructional is Live's video "Forever May Not Be Enough," which concludes with a soundtrack promo for The Mummy Returns--I am still recovering from the sight of the lead singer with a head of hair. A virtual tour of the indescribably lame "The Mummy Returns Chamber of Doom" saves us line-up time at any Universal Studios theme park, while a commercial for "The Mummy Returns PS2 game" does little to encourage a purchase of that overpriced console. Visual effects supervisor John Berton hosts the "Visual Effects Formation" tutorials, four five-part segments in which we see CGI designs progress from crude to poor, the impressive "Pygmy Mummy Attack" excepted. This section and the amusing outtake reel (6 mins.) are the DVD's highlights. The worthiest extra of the bunch, however, is "A Special Message from Oded Fehr", a pledge for a children's cancer charity from the actor who plays Ardeth Bay.